Arms

Aggravated.
On an emotional spiral of despair.
why?!!!
I don't care.
A face that won't disappear.
Everywhere it pops up,
like a bad commercial
that you can't get out of your head.
Loathing.
Self-hate.
No control over desires.
Pretending everything is wonderful.
What would happen if I let it out?
But I can't.
I can't ruin others' lives
with my own sob story.
You're supposed to heal me!
I don't understand!
I want to follow,
but I continue to wallow,
hopelessly, aimlessly,
feeling more and more lost,
farther from you with each
misguided step that I take.
I escape for a day,
then slide back down
to the filthy blood
of my confusion and denial.
I don't know how to let go.
I've tried a million times.
I know Your plan is always better--
but is it?
What could be better?
Why isn't it happening?
Loneliness.
But too hurt to trust.
Guarded stares,
Judging thoughts.
Dots and stars
circling my heart.
I want them all to fall off.
no names,
no approval or failure.
I just want to fall into
Your arms.
And never fall out.

Hh

Hearts beating--
every
pulse
bringing
pain.
Lungs breathing--
every
intake
causing
agony.
Souls shaking--
outraged
at so
much
hate.
Minds racing--
boggled
with what
is real
and
what
is fake.
Hands writhing--
longing
to exact
justice
to the
culprit.
Feet pounding--
chasing
every
dream
hopelessly
lost.

Waiting

You mean everything to me.
I could not last a day
if I thought that you
didn't love me.
Every minute of the day,
voices tell me to despair.
There's no hope,
nothing to fall back on.
My security plans
have vanished to outerspace.
I know all I can do
is trudge on through
each heavy day.
Not just existing,
but living for you.
I know you strive to see
my flame burning with
radiating heat,
scorching all the dull
wicks surrounding.
So many winds try
to blow me out,
leave me in wisps of smoke,
but as long as your hand
shields my flame,
I will burn bright for you.
Nothing can hold me back.
I refuse to be distracted.
I'm on a mission.
I don't understand,
can't grasp the workings
of your perfect plan.
But I know you will
show me all in due time.
Father give me patience.
Give me your strength to wait.
Let me find my joy in you.

Deep

The monster unleashed--
yet again.
It snarls and bites inside of me,
calls me names,
explains I'm no good.
My insides heave,
and I feel sick.
I don't know how to escape,
how to rid myself
of this demon.
I smile and think happy thoughts
but it seems my
magic dust was stolen.
I get up,
try to plug my ears,
but he growls within
that nothing I do
will make a difference.
I'm worthless and
my life means nothing.
I know I need to
pick up my Bible.
It's sitting and waiting,
longing for me
to reach out
and caress its pages
with my eyes.
I know it contains
true joy.
I reach out
but something
pulls my hand back,
and makes me wonder
if I really want
to end this slum of
depression.

Night

As I gaze into
the cloudy blue sky
the stars twinkling through,
the moon shining bright,
I begin to feel
the romance of the night.
All the doubts from my day,
every unshed tear,
the pain and confusion,
remorse and regret
are waltzed away
as I look deeply into
your fathomless eyes.
As they shimmer
with your delight,
I catch glimpses of hope,
I see love, faithfulness,
trust and perfect peace.
You wash away the
darkest parts of the night
with your light
and use it
to soothe my fears.

Gated

I never knew
that there could be someone
who would make me
want to be pure,
to be innocent, naive.
That could make me
worry every second of the day,
wondering if their feelings
might change,
because I know
the agony if they left
would be indescribable.
I never knew that I
could feel a love,
unexpressed,
so that the first mention,
would be of true love's wakening.
I don't want to feel this way
So helpless, vulnerable.
I don't want to take the chance.
But I can't fully live,
unless I open the door
to my heart.
God give me the wisdom
to open my gate
only to the right one.

Give me strength

I don't want
to let go.
I don't want
to feel alone.
Not again.
You say you'll
never leave.
My heart struggles
to believe,
to grasp,
that tiny shred
of hope.
I don't want
to move on.
To pretend
I never felt
something beyond
the norm
for a mist
like you.
I don't want
to give up,
to lose
my hope
that this
is it.
That it's
finished.
Give me
Strength.

Opposite

In a world of dandelions
I'm the seed floating by,
never fitting in.
Always accepted,
never rejected,
but the wind keeps me tumbling on.
In a world full of voices
I feel like falsetto,
ethereal yet visibly present.
I make songs shine,
but never can claim a melody of my own.
If the world was full of red marbles
I'd be the blue one.
If everyone else was swimming in the sea
I'd be flying with the birds.
Every day feels like opposite day to me.

Longing

As the day draws to a close,
an indescribable longing echoes through my soul.
Is it of heaven?
Or mere earth below?

Desire, for something,
made not in this world.
Restless, discontent, insecure,
I scour the skies for answers.

Is this unrealistic?
Where did my peace run to?
I felt safe, warm, sun-shine filled,
but now those moments seem like mere memories.

Cardboard box

Trapped in this cardboard box of distress,

my walls crashing down.
So much noise surrounds me.
I strain through the voices;
longing, hoping, waiting
to hear yours.

Will you show up tonight?
Will you stay with me--
just stay with me until
the darkness fades--
I'm so afraid when there's no light--
So deceived by the glazed-over
reflections of black-lights.
Sometimes I think I hear you,
but soon my doubts
retake control of my mind.

I live the life of a mime--
no one sees how I feel.
They pass me by like
an unknown artist's painting--
nothing out of the ordinary.
I wait for one who will call me
out of this land of the dead.

I long to be priceless--
Irreplaceable by another clay vessel.
Not just a Monet or Da Vinci,
but truly unique--
A masterpiece alive in its own--
unfinished, ever-changing, but
marked with a plan
whose lines end in perfection.

Speechless

Speechless--
but not from awe.
Paralyzed within--
I feel like a quadriplegic
when it comes to prayer.
Stuck in my throat--
a huge clog--
I can't seem to spew it out.
I don't understand--
I can feel you--
the words just won't come.
I'm a marble statue--
frozen in the grave--
my emotions still--
my lips set in stone.
My heart knows the
letters--
sees them forming into words--
but no cry is uttered.
Can you hear me?
Why is there this wall?
Who built it?
I can't see you!
I can't hear!
I can't feel!
I long to turn the pages--
read your love notes,
but my mind is a steel trap--
commandeering my hands--
making them completely useless.
I fall into empty sleep,
gaining no wisdom,
stuck in the same relentless cycle.
My soul longs for you--
I feel so dry,
so empty,
so confused
and worthless.
I know what I need to do,
but I don't have the strength--
the power to lift a finger--
I can't make a motion.
I'm frozen,
Paralyzed.
Speechless.

Tears

Sometimes the tears just have to fall.
Hit the ground.
It's broken, but it's beautiful.
The release of yourself.
You can't hide your feelings
or bottle them up in a case.
They tell the world you're human.
They send a message,
so deep, so profound,
that no one can fathom them except God.
The wet splashes on pavement
symbolizing something deeper.
The tears of all the world
fall down in sheets of rain.
All the sorrow, misery, and anguish
rolled into one great tide of release.
They aren't chains,
they're freedom.
The memories reflected as they roll down
show who you are,
why you're strong
and what you've gone through.
Tears are a beautiful thing.

Searchlights

Questions swirling in my head,
thoughts flying through my mind,
all tracing back to you.

Did I hurt you with my words?
Are you wounded by my actions?
I strive for peace.

I feel so restless,
I'm waiting for you to come,
say it's ok.

We're funny things
in a funny world
made up of oddity.

You worry me,
I think you're on the edge,
and I pray.

Angels protect you,
help from Heaven sent,
to guide you back my way.

I don't know where you are,
lost in the colorful crowd,
maybe standing to the side.

My eyes search,
guided by the One
who knows all.

Is it you?
Or are you a mask,
sent to distract?

I dive deeper into my map,
re-reading my directions,
following them beyond the letter.

I will find you,
or will you find me?
In perfect time.

Decision

Distractions--
all around.
I try to hear your voice through the mix,
but new ones just keep appearing,
trying to drown you out.
You call to me,
instructing me on
the road to follow.
Choices surround me,
I feel so lost.
So many possibilities,
but only one is right.
I read the manual,
but it seems like
it's written in code.
I need the key
to the map of my
road of life.
I'm searching,
ever searching,
for the one that makes all clear.
You know the who,
the why, when, where, and what.
Reach for my hand through the crowd!
Draw me into your presence,
and reveal the path
you want me to take.

Home

You speak to me,
I feel your whisper in the wind.
Your words graze my cheeks,
as I watch a bird float by.
My skin tingles,
your sweet aroma tickles my nose.
Is this love?
Is this life?
I see in Your light.
It's so dark,
but you come by,
and I can see everything.
What was dim
shines brightly.
Meet with me,
grab my hand,
and take me to a place
where you are.
In your arms
I am home

Grace

"At the cry of the first bird,
they began to Crucify Thee, O Swan.
Never shall lament cease because of that.
It was like the parting of day from night!
Ah, sore was the suffering borne
by the body of Mary's Son.
But sorer still to Him, was the grief
that for His sake came upon his Mother."

I tripped and fell,
slid my face into the dirt.
Again.
Every time I feel like giving up.
I'll never walk.
I'll never run.
I might not even crawl.
Every time you give me your hand--
lift me up from the dirt,
and softly whisper
"try again."
You grasp my hand firmly
and say, "if you let me lead,
you won't ever fall."
I get up, take a step.
Then I notice the flowers
on the side of the path.
My hand starts to slide,
reaching to the petals.
"Hold tight to me!"
I ignore-- I want to
feel these blossoms.
I suddenly start slipping,
and fall face first in the dirt.
Again.
You pick me up,
brush off the dirt,
and offer me your hand.
Again.
I grasp your hand tightly,
gaze up at you,
and begin to walk.
I feel secure.
You look down at me and smile.
We start going faster.
Soon I am sprinting.
I see the finish line ahead!
We laugh and dash forward,
to the end of the track.
"Well done, my child."

If you knew me....

You don't know me.
You think my silence means I judge.
You think I'm shy because I don't speak.
You don't know me.
You think my constant laughing means my head's full of air.
You think I like all corny jokes.
You don't know me.
You think my gaze is a blank stare.
You don't see my eyes searching for your soul.
You don't know me.
You think my smile means I'm happy.
You think I'm laughing at you.
If you knew me--
You'd know I'm silent because I'm pondering.
You'd know I can't ever think of the right things to say.
You'd know I'm bursting with questions, waiting to flood out.
You'd know I want you to speak to me--I want to know you.
You'd know that I'd never judge you for being who you are.
If you knew me--
You'd know I laugh for many reasons.
I laugh when I'm embarrassed.
I laugh when situations turn awkward.
I laugh to try and make people comfortable.
I laugh because I love the people I'm with.
I laugh because of the silly thoughts running through my head.
I laugh because you said something that made me laugh.
If you knew me--
You'd know my eyes are searching you, trying to dig deep.
You'd know I'm memorizing every detail about you.
You'd know that I need to stare in order to think deep thoughts.
You'd know I'm trying to let you know that you're important.
You'd know I'm trying to understand your feelings.
If you knew me--
You'd know I smile to make others happy.
You'd know I smile to hide my tears.
You'd know I smile because God is good.
You'd know I smile because I am happy to see you.
You'd know I smile because it's softer than a laugh.
You'd know I smile because of my secret thoughts.
You don't know me.
If you knew me....

The Dead Life

This is something I wrote a while ago that I just found a few days ago.

I want to ignore you
and let you go,
to pretend you never happened--
but you're clinging to a piece of my heart--
a piece that can't be forgotten.
We stretched apart,
though you're close to my heart,
and heaven knows why--
you weren't ready for me--
not my kind of guy--
you still need to see the Light.
I pray for you,
oh I pray so hard,
hoping every day,
that God will somehow
change your heart--
then once again bring you my way.
But until that day,
if it ever comes 'round,
my heart is broken and bound.
I'll let myself die,
and let you live,
in the power of Christ
that I've found.

Snowflakes

I'm wishing I was a snowflake,
blown here and there by the wind.
They don't have to wonder
if they're good enough--
if they'll ever succeed,
if anyone really likes them for who they are.
They don't get criticized for
making easy mistakes.
They're unique and beautiful,
in their own ways.
They never have to put on a mask,
trying to hide their real feelings.
They don't have to pretend
to be someone else.
They don't have to decide
what they want to do
and what God wants them to do instead.
They have no guilt, no fear,
they never make wrong choices,
they're not disrespectful,
they don't disobey,
they don't get emotional,
they seem to have it perfect.
They don't have to worry about
falling in the wrong spot--
God directs their every move.
And yet, at the same time,
since they have no guilt,
they have no joy,
they have no love,
they don't get a chance to make a right choice,
they never get to show respect,
they don't have the option to obey,
they don't get to feel with others,
and I have to question if
they do have it perfect.
Maybe being me is better...

S[truggle]s

You've changed.
No longer does your light shine as bright.
What shadow has covered you?
Why have you become dim?
I looked up to you,
thought you could guide me.
You've been hit, from behind.
Not by a playful snowball,
but with the reality of life.
I pray that when you realize
that He will hold you
through all struggles,
you will come back.
To me.
And be my friend.

Noodles

I can't ever tell you how I really feel.
You make me so happy,
the homing device on my
GPS when I lose it.
And yet you have not a clue.
To you I'm just another mime--
someone you can rant to
and get distracted by.
You frustrate me.
I want to see you happy,
and yet your happiness kills me.
It's like a slap in the face,
but a slap you don't intend.
You led me on
without taking a step.
My hopes and dreams
are shattered by yours.
I guess sometimes
there's only one happy ending.
I want you to have it.
I thought you were the one,
but you were just another noodle in the bowl,
trying to float to the top.
Somewhere along the way,
you got picked to go
to the new land of happiness
and dreams fulfilled,
but I got left behind.
I guess me and my
noodle friends will just
stick closer than ever--
there's safety in numbers.
Maybe there's still a chance,
maybe I'll float--
but as for you,
have a happy life
in the world I may never see.

Rise

Rise and stand!
Pick up your feet!
Today is the day we die.
Not to life,
no, not you or I--
we fall dead to a lie.
A lie pervading not minds
but souls--twisting
the truth of our hearts.
We follow not culture,
nor tradition or expectation,
but direct our feet towards One.
Why do we wallow in shallow thoughts,
tangoing with lust?
Why all the facade,
the showy performances,
the masks covering our imperfections?
He has said,"my power is made
perfect in your weakness".
Why not take the chance,
reveal all the flaws,
show the real people inside?
Rise up and stand!
Show the world!
Change is a verb--
we're a work in progress--
fully loved for who we are--
yet expected to conform
to His likeness.