Arms

Aggravated.
On an emotional spiral of despair.
why?!!!
I don't care.
A face that won't disappear.
Everywhere it pops up,
like a bad commercial
that you can't get out of your head.
Loathing.
Self-hate.
No control over desires.
Pretending everything is wonderful.
What would happen if I let it out?
But I can't.
I can't ruin others' lives
with my own sob story.
You're supposed to heal me!
I don't understand!
I want to follow,
but I continue to wallow,
hopelessly, aimlessly,
feeling more and more lost,
farther from you with each
misguided step that I take.
I escape for a day,
then slide back down
to the filthy blood
of my confusion and denial.
I don't know how to let go.
I've tried a million times.
I know Your plan is always better--
but is it?
What could be better?
Why isn't it happening?
Loneliness.
But too hurt to trust.
Guarded stares,
Judging thoughts.
Dots and stars
circling my heart.
I want them all to fall off.
no names,
no approval or failure.
I just want to fall into
Your arms.
And never fall out.

Hh

Hearts beating--
every
pulse
bringing
pain.
Lungs breathing--
every
intake
causing
agony.
Souls shaking--
outraged
at so
much
hate.
Minds racing--
boggled
with what
is real
and
what
is fake.
Hands writhing--
longing
to exact
justice
to the
culprit.
Feet pounding--
chasing
every
dream
hopelessly
lost.

Waiting

You mean everything to me.
I could not last a day
if I thought that you
didn't love me.
Every minute of the day,
voices tell me to despair.
There's no hope,
nothing to fall back on.
My security plans
have vanished to outerspace.
I know all I can do
is trudge on through
each heavy day.
Not just existing,
but living for you.
I know you strive to see
my flame burning with
radiating heat,
scorching all the dull
wicks surrounding.
So many winds try
to blow me out,
leave me in wisps of smoke,
but as long as your hand
shields my flame,
I will burn bright for you.
Nothing can hold me back.
I refuse to be distracted.
I'm on a mission.
I don't understand,
can't grasp the workings
of your perfect plan.
But I know you will
show me all in due time.
Father give me patience.
Give me your strength to wait.
Let me find my joy in you.

Deep

The monster unleashed--
yet again.
It snarls and bites inside of me,
calls me names,
explains I'm no good.
My insides heave,
and I feel sick.
I don't know how to escape,
how to rid myself
of this demon.
I smile and think happy thoughts
but it seems my
magic dust was stolen.
I get up,
try to plug my ears,
but he growls within
that nothing I do
will make a difference.
I'm worthless and
my life means nothing.
I know I need to
pick up my Bible.
It's sitting and waiting,
longing for me
to reach out
and caress its pages
with my eyes.
I know it contains
true joy.
I reach out
but something
pulls my hand back,
and makes me wonder
if I really want
to end this slum of
depression.

Night

As I gaze into
the cloudy blue sky
the stars twinkling through,
the moon shining bright,
I begin to feel
the romance of the night.
All the doubts from my day,
every unshed tear,
the pain and confusion,
remorse and regret
are waltzed away
as I look deeply into
your fathomless eyes.
As they shimmer
with your delight,
I catch glimpses of hope,
I see love, faithfulness,
trust and perfect peace.
You wash away the
darkest parts of the night
with your light
and use it
to soothe my fears.

Gated

I never knew
that there could be someone
who would make me
want to be pure,
to be innocent, naive.
That could make me
worry every second of the day,
wondering if their feelings
might change,
because I know
the agony if they left
would be indescribable.
I never knew that I
could feel a love,
unexpressed,
so that the first mention,
would be of true love's wakening.
I don't want to feel this way
So helpless, vulnerable.
I don't want to take the chance.
But I can't fully live,
unless I open the door
to my heart.
God give me the wisdom
to open my gate
only to the right one.

Give me strength

I don't want
to let go.
I don't want
to feel alone.
Not again.
You say you'll
never leave.
My heart struggles
to believe,
to grasp,
that tiny shred
of hope.
I don't want
to move on.
To pretend
I never felt
something beyond
the norm
for a mist
like you.
I don't want
to give up,
to lose
my hope
that this
is it.
That it's
finished.
Give me
Strength.