Arms

Aggravated.
On an emotional spiral of despair.
why?!!!
I don't care.
A face that won't disappear.
Everywhere it pops up,
like a bad commercial
that you can't get out of your head.
Loathing.
Self-hate.
No control over desires.
Pretending everything is wonderful.
What would happen if I let it out?
But I can't.
I can't ruin others' lives
with my own sob story.
You're supposed to heal me!
I don't understand!
I want to follow,
but I continue to wallow,
hopelessly, aimlessly,
feeling more and more lost,
farther from you with each
misguided step that I take.
I escape for a day,
then slide back down
to the filthy blood
of my confusion and denial.
I don't know how to let go.
I've tried a million times.
I know Your plan is always better--
but is it?
What could be better?
Why isn't it happening?
Loneliness.
But too hurt to trust.
Guarded stares,
Judging thoughts.
Dots and stars
circling my heart.
I want them all to fall off.
no names,
no approval or failure.
I just want to fall into
Your arms.
And never fall out.